I have had a rant/ramble brewing in my head for days, and really this might take me awhile to write, so as I start this I warn you this is my pure opinion on perhaps as much as life and existence  or nothing depending how crazy you think I am.  Right now I'm just making it through day after day, enjoying life as much as I can having no money and staying home all the time. But enough about me, Now my opinions.

Now I believe in many things and because of my beliefs I don't fit in many different churches or clubs, the base idea is I believe in most everything,I believe that there could be an all powerful being, but more so I believe in ascended masters. It's also through the idea of reincarnation. You keep living until you get it right. I may be more enlightened than most for my beliefs it's the idea of simple common sense at times like the rules to live by like no war Or more that don't kill your own species since we are creatures of reason.  I also believe in the idea of many gods or guides or spirits, creatures that are enlightened and live happily with not body, just a perfect energy being. You might ask why I keep using the word energy, but that's what I see it as, and I don't actually see anything. Beyond a few odd body tricks I can do while meditating very quickly I can control giving myself goose bumps. Might sound stupid but when I focus and push energy through my body it happens.

Now what I hate, why if god gave us this perfect planet to live on why do we insist on destroying it the native Americans and others  that still existing outside of modern society they believe mostly that the spirits are in everything around you and what lives you take to eat they would leave some for the other animals, or spirits disguised as animals as an offering to the spirits for granting the wish of providing for them. The raven, coyote, bears and wolves all animals that not only did they honor and emulate they sought guidance from them as if they were the spirits themselves walking around.   There are more good sides to religion than bad this is true, you meet people in a proper social setting much like the world has done for years, this is where many couples met before the bar scene wasn't just males only full of drunks and high people. Pot wasn't outlawed till I 1937 and once the native Americans shared tobacco and pot with the settlers it spread to the old countries quickly. Native Americans were the first to smoke. It's also good to follow the commandments the ideas behind them are to me just common sense.  Natives also live with the earth, not destroy it with machines, they didn't take more from the land then what they needed. Now I'm not holding Christianity as a violent group at least that's not what it's supposed to do Islamic religion is just like Christianity they just added another book, Mormons did the same thing, and so did Christians they made the New Testament where as the Jewish religion only believes in the Old Testament, And to those who worship the earth mother I applaud you because we all live on earth the entire environment is setup for us to live off what the earth provides. 

This world is made of energy, that's it everything is moving, vibrating nothing is solid, if you could move fast enough you could pass through a door, because the door is made of the same things that air is and you walk through walls of air just fine. You can call them atoms or go further to the neutrons and protons the are still always moving you learn this in science class. Energy can be manipulated and controlled by many different things, I'm not going to go over kinetic energy or other kinds by movement and force, because you should know about that already and be aware of those forces in your life if nothing else then the day you slip and fall and you realize you a seemingly solid object held together by what? And falling on another seemingly solid object. my idea is more controlling energy with ones mind, a type of magic(k) perhaps. I'm not saying I know magic(k) I don't really sit and do spells or anything. I clear my mind often because it's needed for me because my thoughts drift so easily. That and an anger problem. It's very relaxing to let basically life flow through you.

 I know you did you just never made that kind of connection because they won't teach something that will draw people away from they're bible, I am Not saying the bible is wrong. I do not know if these events happened. But I do know the translation of the bible people read now wasn't put forward by the church it was edited to help king James control his subjects. 

Sorry I know at this point if your still reading I sound crazy or you just hate me for pointing out something about your religion that I do not understand, the book. We could all live in a house calling your own house a house of god you don't need to pay a church anymore, therapists are more normal now than a confession of sins, I see these two things as the same. If you believe in god keep him in your house. Now do you believe in heaven and hell? You will probably go to one if you do. If you worship a deity they will probably grant you an immortal afterlife that is what you invision. That's me saying that you won't reincarnate if you don't believe it even though I think someone would be happier living life over And over till it's perfect for you, you live with your soul mate you were happy and connected to others through happiness and kindness and giving.

If you have made it this far I'm happy for you, because you put up with my scattered mind. I'm always going in many directions at once.  

The last few days I've been adrift in memories I think about all the things that I've done, the things I keep as secrets locked away for all time. I've really done some things in my life I guess everyone has stories but probably not like me. It's also where I am now that makes me think or gives me this time to constantly think I guess in hopes that I'll do better in the same situations. Though mostly my isolation has kept me from any situations. And I'm being so vague even writing here because it is needed I wish I could not think about my past sometimes be less worrysome but maybe that's my curse to have to remember all the things I've done. These things it guess eat at me, day after day and something was said to me that kinda ruined my own self image, I see myself not really as I am I guess sometimes I forget I have a full beard just think of myself at my best because I know I can. I guess I forget how old I am. I really don't feel it so that's all really. I think too much.

all the days have been the same and are kinda running into each other, the only things I really look forward to is tv shows and talking to one person. the last few days going to sleep has been easy just passing out on my mothers bed as we watch tv, we all have big tvs in our rooms and mine is never used really and its the biggest out of the bunch. I also got mine first. I'm sure I could have gotten different things at the time.I like all the new super hero shows and movies they are something I enjoy.

I stopped taking my anti depressant, the rabbit pellets pills, I stopped taking them because they stopped giving them out as free samples and the doctor hasn't written me a prescription to get it elsewhere. they used to give me a months supply at a time and the last time I went the woman there said I could only get two weeks worth. not to mention that they do drug tests now on all the people and they want me to pay several hundred dollars on it, see when I go in there I don't have any money and they never ask for it except one bitchy woman who I have the glory of talking to and she wanted me to pay to see the psychiatrist  and I told her I never pay, and ill never pay that money I owe them for that drug test. I don't really feel any different now not taking them, but I do know all the pills I went through made me crazy some weeks when I was changing back and forth between prescriptions. that's why I got so bad bunching holes in walls I guess.

thanksgiving is coming up, a year or so ago I refused to come out for the prayer so that year was different and I wanted to choose not to have to deal with something I don't follow, I didn't say I didn't believe in Christianity, I believe all religions have power behind them because people believe in them, and Christianity took over most of the religious world by killing "witches" and others years ago. there was also Hitler who wiped out most of the Jewish world making that religion loose its muster in the world.... I'm running around with stories in my mind now and rambling so i'll stop now.

Well I did go to the college some weeks about about signing up for classes but the second I walked into the guidance office there was a skinny blonde girl in the room with her back to me and I instantly start having a panic attack. I had to struggle talking to the guidance person, but once I saw it wasn't ' her". It makes me wonder if I could handle going to that place where I know she is so I haven't signed up for classes, I don't know if I will. My mother hates this idea but I just don't know if its possible for me to act like I should out in public, and I know I have more panic attacks and anger attacks now being on the medications than without. Currently I just stopped taking my anti depressants because where I get them for free they stopped giving me a months supply at a time and they switched to only giving two weeks worth..I don't have another doctors appointment till next year. Sometimes when I actually feel like talking to a therapist I don't get the chance. 

While typing this my Hands have started involentary jerks, I don't know what medication is causing this.right now I am at the fattiest I've ever been I don't like it, I need to start working out again with all this free time I have, but I just never feel like it and my leg hurts, and I went to the doctor no blood clots or anything, the referred me to another doctor for X-ray and stuff but I can't afford that so I just will live with the pain. The ultra sound was free going through a cheap place called helping hands.

I haven't really been looking for jobs I don't want to do customer service with my anger issues. But I suck at factory work I've done that before. Thought about trying for my old curior job but it was so lonely driving all night alone.

Well I am doing something probably unwise with my panic attacks, I signed up to go to college this next spring, this is all 4 am ramblings after having an ok night, going out to octoberfest, didn't drink anything and it got rained out for us, I walked too fast for my mother who is still getting over her broken leg, and I just wanted to stay out of the rain. I went to the doctor finally about the pain in my leg, had this odd pain in my left leg for months now, it hurts like its numb but pain and pulling on my tendons. right now the doctor is trying to rule out a blood clot. everything I get seems to scare me with me not thinking anything about the pain other than to take some tylenol for it over and over.. I was told I need to take a baby asprin everyday to thin out my blood. I would like to go back to octoberfest again tomorrow since its free to go there, and we got pretty good parking with a handicapped tag. the only thing I didn't like was the crazy religious people screaming at people about " our sins sending us to hell " heard one small child say he was scared cause the man was talking about dying, and that to me shows how someone should show more restraint attempting to preach for their following. I know I really cant say more about churches, I don't go to one, I don't follow any religious rituals involving christianity, I have done more pagan rituals than that heheh.

but other than that I signed up for college again, to start in the spring, and im gonna do computers and try to do photography, I know 'she' is was at cvcc taking those classes and I really do not want to run into her but I want to learn about the classes so, im going to take my chance and go to learn. I really dont know what to take though all the words they use to describe the classes just boggle me. ill have to go up to the college and talk to some people to figure out exactly what I want to do

Well my mother's leg/foot had healed to the point where she is walking without a walking boot on, she got her cast taken off some weeks ago, I have worked and pretty much finished a new website for my paranormal consulting idea, not original I found out, and plenty of people have websites calling themselves such but no matter I still made the website and still intend on helping people. https://sites.google.com/site/rakowsparanormal/ I haven't been doing very much and this day I slept most of it away after taking sleeping pills last night. I have a lot of pills to take at night anymore, my depekote, for the ied, invegia for anti depression, proprepanol for the shaking that the depekote makes me do, and amitripaline trying to help me sleep I think. doesn't really make me sleep. I took an ambien last night, it made me sleep way too much today. I don't use my computer as much as I used to, I don't talk to as many people as I used to over the years. my online presence isn't as strong as it used to be even with me currently not working. I just haven't felt like being online like I used to, maybe it's the pills.

My mother broke her foot a week or so ago. It's been different having to take care of her so much, she hates it. She does a lot around here when she's up and moving. I've gone camping twice more only one night each time. The first time I went with yoder and we heard gunshots which I didn't like up at Wilson's creek. We caught crawdads and ate them, they were alright, but the second time Jon and yoder came but Jon got a chemical burn in his eye from fuel tabs, both times at Wilson's creek we couldn't get a fire going which made surviving there impossible south mountain seems to be a nicer camping destination. I'd also like to go up to shinney creek site with Jon. Yoder managed to scare one of my mothers cats out the window and he is gone, he hasn't come when called and it's been days now I feel bad and responsible because it was a friend I let come over that did it. I'm sure that yoder doesn't even feel bad about doing it.