all the days have been the same and are kinda running into each other, the only things I really look forward to is tv shows and talking to one person. the last few days going to sleep has been easy just passing out on my mothers bed as we watch tv, we all have big tvs in our rooms and mine is never used really and its the biggest out of the bunch. I also got mine first. I'm sure I could have gotten different things at the time.I like all the new super hero shows and movies they are something I enjoy.

I stopped taking my anti depressant, the rabbit pellets pills, I stopped taking them because they stopped giving them out as free samples and the doctor hasn't written me a prescription to get it elsewhere. they used to give me a months supply at a time and the last time I went the woman there said I could only get two weeks worth. not to mention that they do drug tests now on all the people and they want me to pay several hundred dollars on it, see when I go in there I don't have any money and they never ask for it except one bitchy woman who I have the glory of talking to and she wanted me to pay to see the psychiatrist  and I told her I never pay, and ill never pay that money I owe them for that drug test. I don't really feel any different now not taking them, but I do know all the pills I went through made me crazy some weeks when I was changing back and forth between prescriptions. that's why I got so bad bunching holes in walls I guess.

thanksgiving is coming up, a year or so ago I refused to come out for the prayer so that year was different and I wanted to choose not to have to deal with something I don't follow, I didn't say I didn't believe in Christianity, I believe all religions have power behind them because people believe in them, and Christianity took over most of the religious world by killing "witches" and others years ago. there was also Hitler who wiped out most of the Jewish world making that religion loose its muster in the world.... I'm running around with stories in my mind now and rambling so i'll stop now.

Well I did go to the college some weeks about about signing up for classes but the second I walked into the guidance office there was a skinny blonde girl in the room with her back to me and I instantly start having a panic attack. I had to struggle talking to the guidance person, but once I saw it wasn't ' her". It makes me wonder if I could handle going to that place where I know she is so I haven't signed up for classes, I don't know if I will. My mother hates this idea but I just don't know if its possible for me to act like I should out in public, and I know I have more panic attacks and anger attacks now being on the medications than without. Currently I just stopped taking my anti depressants because where I get them for free they stopped giving me a months supply at a time and they switched to only giving two weeks worth..I don't have another doctors appointment till next year. Sometimes when I actually feel like talking to a therapist I don't get the chance. 

While typing this my Hands have started involentary jerks, I don't know what medication is causing this.right now I am at the fattiest I've ever been I don't like it, I need to start working out again with all this free time I have, but I just never feel like it and my leg hurts, and I went to the doctor no blood clots or anything, the referred me to another doctor for X-ray and stuff but I can't afford that so I just will live with the pain. The ultra sound was free going through a cheap place called helping hands.

I haven't really been looking for jobs I don't want to do customer service with my anger issues. But I suck at factory work I've done that before. Thought about trying for my old curior job but it was so lonely driving all night alone.