Its even a question to why I made this, but I guess I needed a place. I don't care if you know who I am, what I do, what I've been through or how bad of a person I am. I wonder if this matters on a journey, where you don't know what will happen next or even how to begin the journey at all.

When I was a child I wanted to be a scientist, don't know really how I planned that, it was a child's dream, to invent things, I loved robots and all things electronic. That's a dream I long since have given up on. In middle school I became obsessive about watching people, private investigation, I did reports on it in school all the way through high school, after high school I did a lot of nothing for several of years, from 2003 when I graduated to 2007, I worked several shitty jobs used people, had some fun. traveled a bit on other peoples money, not the happiest times in my life but they were fun and are something to remember and speak about and make reference to at times.
In 2007 following someones advise I went back to school started college for an associates degree in criminal justice started in January, taking just one class, didn't have a job the entire time. then in august started all my other classes, English, math psychology and took weight training. In that semester I remembered what it was like to be around people again, in the years from high school from then I avoided contact with people, being on my computer all the time mostly. I started flirting with girls instantly it having been 4 years since a real relationship.

I worked out a a lot when I was going to college, hanging out with my friends, and actually thought I would be going after a dream, my dream to be a private investigator.

One day in psychology class, we were doing this exercise, put in random groups, that was the whole point of the exercise, think I was a number 4, so was she. the first thing I said to here was probably the stupidest first line to ask a girl, asking her if she doesn't eat, or only eats once a day, how she stays so skinny. That day, after she spoke to me, I kept trying to talk to her, and because of that she kept talking to me. A few days later had one of the coaches in psychology class, he was apparently computer illiterate and I offered to fix something for him after class, but she also asked me in the middle of class if I wanted to go on a road trip with her. She was starting another school with a different major, culinary arts. we drove up there in her mazda mx3 her telling me things, discussing relationships, likes and dislikes, telling me that her father wouldn't want her driving to this new school in the car she has because of how broken down it is, telling me about how he put a Harley Davidson tail pipe on the car.
 The trip went through us eating at wendy's then walking through target. In target we goofed off and played around more than I normally do in a store, and I made her laugh for the first time, picking up a sheep that was on a shelf it was there randomly and said baa, just "baa " it was one of the first things I remember with her.
 I guess from that time on it went down hill. Us learning of each other, my anger presenting its self for the first time at her sisters concert, I was told I said something stupid that I could shit bigger diamonds than were on a ring, apparently it was her grandmothers ring, whom which was sitting right beside me. That night one of her ex boyfriend's hugged me then that just made me mad, from that point she was calling me an asshole why are you being such an asshole all the way to the car. once in the car she still wouldn't shut up. when I reached the end of the car lot to the school we were at, I turned to her and told her in all my anger, in that voice I use when I am angry to shut the fuck up. and she was quiet. and even on that moment with my friends I boasted on that time, how my anger helped me.
so many times I got angry at her, so many times we fought about such stupid shit. my stupid anger my own stupidity towards her and my own life. I know I wronged her in so many ways that I cant even admit here or to myself, trying to find reasons for myself to be angry, if she did things to me. Now I am just stuck wondering if she cheated on me the whole time, if it was love either of us ever felt, if that's what I feel now or is it just regret.

she left because of a fight, a few weeks before I had said, I am who I am I wont change I cant change, I will always be angry. so if you dont like it then leave. she didnt leave then. she waited, waited till I said it again it was another fight, over my mother talking to a guy.
I dont know if she had cheated on me before I said it that second time, but the times I tried after she left, I tried to get her to come back to me. she had been with someone else. We spoke even through a restraining order she had put on me. through me letting her come to the apartment, me leaving her a message that I loved her. her leaving me a video on the ipad. telling me that if I got help, if I got my anger under control she would come back. the first thing I did was go to a psychiatrist told them my life story pretty much as I write it here. prescribed pills that controls my anger been on them ever since. for months after she left me I paid her car insurance, phone bill, she got a new phone, new jobs, and I still would go to see her, at her work, speak to her there, call her, wondered if she would ever be mine again. The assumption I have now is no. for months I just would stare at her pictures, her facebook, never made an account to see what she was saying. while I was working at the renn faire I got a call from NC correctional officer jobs blah blah

so I put possible plans I had on hold for that job, after failing at the being a cop thing, I just stopped trying to go after that... hmm perhaps I should back up, when I was with her I gave up being a cop after just one try because I didn't get into the class to be one after spending 246 dollars trying to get into the class. 180 dollars for a physical exam, to which I had to go up to the doctor 3 different times and the dumbass didn't even run the drug test. jumping back
I wanted to run away, after she left just run away from everything, I havent had a proper home in years, with her I felt I had one, when I lived at bendwood I knew it wouldnt last, especially after my father was diagnosed with lung cancer, before that even I knew my home wouldn't last at the lake because it was my grandmother's it was only a matter of time before she past. she did and we were gone. living in my aunts basement I went... its sad to think about the fact that I knew I never had a place I could always stay.

trying to tell the story again, I was working the renn faire, talked my friend into coming and working it with me tried to talk him into traveling with me around the country, just kinda playing with life. well after that call I wanted to take a chance with the correctional officer job, and my friend wanted to go into the army so I let him go do what he wanted and I took my chance went through many interviews just to reach a psychologist telling me no because of the medication I take because of my anger. so next thing I lie.. as my life goes further down hill cars breaking, moving from one apartment to another, losing money, harassed by creditors, having to see her one more time because of me trying to go into the army, lying just to attempt to get in and being off my pills not even being able to do it. I couldn't go through with my lie.

so here I am not even a year later from her leaving me, stuck again after borrowing more money trying to get a car fixed I guess being stupid by fixing it because it just broke again, and I still want to run away, making it harder to leave things as I run, my uncle just passed away, leaving my mother vulnerable to no longer have a place to live herself, shes been living with him, same with my aunt and her husband. after running out of money after the roommate I was living with having to give up his apartment that I was paying him to live in too I moved here too. not even three months. my uncle passes. Now he did own this place, but there are still other things, power bills, taxes on this place.. all of which will be interesting to see fixed, and me, I still just want to run away, sell everything I own just to no longer exist, I just want to leave and have fun.

Right now, I'm looking for a camper, something to live in on my journey, I know I have messed up my life so far maybe if I do not stay in one place long enough, I cant mess up anyone else's again.