Today was different, which in the last few weeks since my car died and I've been out of work its been mundane and I was kinda enjoying going back to the boredom. its like a life reset, between each job I've had, each big event in my life I was unemployed. when my father died I instead kept working, and working harder and more hours, just wanted to focus on something else. that's when I at least had a job I felt was slightly respectful being a manager. then stupidity lead me to being moved to a different store and a demotion.
even when she left I did not take a break from working, I think life just wants me to take a break sometimes and remove myself from humanity. and well here I am, removed.

right now I am waiting to sell some things to get money in my hand to buy a camper still to run away, it seems like every time I find one in price range they disappear. and its harder for me, since I am looking now worried about it, so I have a place. and the whole reason I'm looking now is in case I have to fix the thing.  on craigslist they are popping up in the right price but they are sold quickly, if I had a car, and a truck and all the resources I need with cash in hand then I would be set. but I do not.

Today was my uncles memorial, he passed away this last Monday. saw some of my family, some of which I haven't seen in 10 or so years. my cousin watching him carry the box he had his fathers ashes put in, one of the first things I saw today was him carrying the box out the door, reminded me so much of myself doing the same thing only 2 years ago, carrying a box outside with my fathers ashes inside for a gathering, a sermon and a song, this wasn't even done for my uncle. I told my cousin I was glad he wasn't here when his father passed. I was there watching my father standing over him, watching as life left him having a nurse telling me every minute that went by that he wasn't breathing.
With my uncle, his father, preforming cpr on him after hearing my aunt and mother on the phone with 911. pulling him off the bed. hearing the crackling in his ribs as I pressed down the first time on his chest. seeing nothing in his eyes as I hope there's still something there of him. its something a son shouldn't see. it's something no one should see or deal with but if it wasn't then medical help wouldn't exist. I am not cut out for that for sure. from what I told my cousin he pipes up today wanting to change his major and go into the medical field. that idea makes me confused because of what I have seen and been through. its not something I would do.
the more people I see die in front of me the less strength I feel I have to see it, and yet each time I've watched a loved one die in front of me, its gotten harder, why is it part of life to be tested this way?  I know everyone I have watched pass has suffered. my grandmother I was told was in pain from the time she had her first bad heart attack and they removed a vein from her leg and put it in her heart. and she lived for years after in that pain and just the pain of aging and she took it all in stride, not wanting to cause others problems.
my father I know went through pain in chemo, with cancer, ruining his image, taking his voice, slowly breaking him down before stealing everything from him. and my uncle, from the time he was born he was always sick, I had seen him in comas for a year or so, always having as-ma attacks, heart attacks, problems breathing, its no way to enjoy living a life at all.. I remember watching everyone, both grandmothers, father, uncle.


to remember them all.