The last few days I've been adrift in memories I think about all the things that I've done, the things I keep as secrets locked away for all time. I've really done some things in my life I guess everyone has stories but probably not like me. It's also where I am now that makes me think or gives me this time to constantly think I guess in hopes that I'll do better in the same situations. Though mostly my isolation has kept me from any situations. And I'm being so vague even writing here because it is needed I wish I could not think about my past sometimes be less worrysome but maybe that's my curse to have to remember all the things I've done. These things it guess eat at me, day after day and something was said to me that kinda ruined my own self image, I see myself not really as I am I guess sometimes I forget I have a full beard just think of myself at my best because I know I can. I guess I forget how old I am. I really don't feel it so that's all really. I think too much.

all the days have been the same and are kinda running into each other, the only things I really look forward to is tv shows and talking to one person. the last few days going to sleep has been easy just passing out on my mothers bed as we watch tv, we all have big tvs in our rooms and mine is never used really and its the biggest out of the bunch. I also got mine first. I'm sure I could have gotten different things at the time.I like all the new super hero shows and movies they are something I enjoy.

I stopped taking my anti depressant, the rabbit pellets pills, I stopped taking them because they stopped giving them out as free samples and the doctor hasn't written me a prescription to get it elsewhere. they used to give me a months supply at a time and the last time I went the woman there said I could only get two weeks worth. not to mention that they do drug tests now on all the people and they want me to pay several hundred dollars on it, see when I go in there I don't have any money and they never ask for it except one bitchy woman who I have the glory of talking to and she wanted me to pay to see the psychiatrist  and I told her I never pay, and ill never pay that money I owe them for that drug test. I don't really feel any different now not taking them, but I do know all the pills I went through made me crazy some weeks when I was changing back and forth between prescriptions. that's why I got so bad bunching holes in walls I guess.

thanksgiving is coming up, a year or so ago I refused to come out for the prayer so that year was different and I wanted to choose not to have to deal with something I don't follow, I didn't say I didn't believe in Christianity, I believe all religions have power behind them because people believe in them, and Christianity took over most of the religious world by killing "witches" and others years ago. there was also Hitler who wiped out most of the Jewish world making that religion loose its muster in the world.... I'm running around with stories in my mind now and rambling so i'll stop now.

Well I did go to the college some weeks about about signing up for classes but the second I walked into the guidance office there was a skinny blonde girl in the room with her back to me and I instantly start having a panic attack. I had to struggle talking to the guidance person, but once I saw it wasn't ' her". It makes me wonder if I could handle going to that place where I know she is so I haven't signed up for classes, I don't know if I will. My mother hates this idea but I just don't know if its possible for me to act like I should out in public, and I know I have more panic attacks and anger attacks now being on the medications than without. Currently I just stopped taking my anti depressants because where I get them for free they stopped giving me a months supply at a time and they switched to only giving two weeks worth..I don't have another doctors appointment till next year. Sometimes when I actually feel like talking to a therapist I don't get the chance. 

While typing this my Hands have started involentary jerks, I don't know what medication is causing this.right now I am at the fattiest I've ever been I don't like it, I need to start working out again with all this free time I have, but I just never feel like it and my leg hurts, and I went to the doctor no blood clots or anything, the referred me to another doctor for X-ray and stuff but I can't afford that so I just will live with the pain. The ultra sound was free going through a cheap place called helping hands.

I haven't really been looking for jobs I don't want to do customer service with my anger issues. But I suck at factory work I've done that before. Thought about trying for my old curior job but it was so lonely driving all night alone.

Well I am doing something probably unwise with my panic attacks, I signed up to go to college this next spring, this is all 4 am ramblings after having an ok night, going out to octoberfest, didn't drink anything and it got rained out for us, I walked too fast for my mother who is still getting over her broken leg, and I just wanted to stay out of the rain. I went to the doctor finally about the pain in my leg, had this odd pain in my left leg for months now, it hurts like its numb but pain and pulling on my tendons. right now the doctor is trying to rule out a blood clot. everything I get seems to scare me with me not thinking anything about the pain other than to take some tylenol for it over and over.. I was told I need to take a baby asprin everyday to thin out my blood. I would like to go back to octoberfest again tomorrow since its free to go there, and we got pretty good parking with a handicapped tag. the only thing I didn't like was the crazy religious people screaming at people about " our sins sending us to hell " heard one small child say he was scared cause the man was talking about dying, and that to me shows how someone should show more restraint attempting to preach for their following. I know I really cant say more about churches, I don't go to one, I don't follow any religious rituals involving christianity, I have done more pagan rituals than that heheh.

but other than that I signed up for college again, to start in the spring, and im gonna do computers and try to do photography, I know 'she' is was at cvcc taking those classes and I really do not want to run into her but I want to learn about the classes so, im going to take my chance and go to learn. I really dont know what to take though all the words they use to describe the classes just boggle me. ill have to go up to the college and talk to some people to figure out exactly what I want to do

Well my mother's leg/foot had healed to the point where she is walking without a walking boot on, she got her cast taken off some weeks ago, I have worked and pretty much finished a new website for my paranormal consulting idea, not original I found out, and plenty of people have websites calling themselves such but no matter I still made the website and still intend on helping people. https://sites.google.com/site/rakowsparanormal/ I haven't been doing very much and this day I slept most of it away after taking sleeping pills last night. I have a lot of pills to take at night anymore, my depekote, for the ied, invegia for anti depression, proprepanol for the shaking that the depekote makes me do, and amitripaline trying to help me sleep I think. doesn't really make me sleep. I took an ambien last night, it made me sleep way too much today. I don't use my computer as much as I used to, I don't talk to as many people as I used to over the years. my online presence isn't as strong as it used to be even with me currently not working. I just haven't felt like being online like I used to, maybe it's the pills.

My mother broke her foot a week or so ago. It's been different having to take care of her so much, she hates it. She does a lot around here when she's up and moving. I've gone camping twice more only one night each time. The first time I went with yoder and we heard gunshots which I didn't like up at Wilson's creek. We caught crawdads and ate them, they were alright, but the second time Jon and yoder came but Jon got a chemical burn in his eye from fuel tabs, both times at Wilson's creek we couldn't get a fire going which made surviving there impossible south mountain seems to be a nicer camping destination. I'd also like to go up to shinney creek site with Jon. Yoder managed to scare one of my mothers cats out the window and he is gone, he hasn't come when called and it's been days now I feel bad and responsible because it was a friend I let come over that did it. I'm sure that yoder doesn't even feel bad about doing it.

Well I quit my job, since then things have been more relaxed for me. I quit right after I took a week off to go camping, I ended up not going camping but I did get to go somewhere. I went to gatlingberg tenn, and then to cherrokee, I enjoyed cherrokee more than gatlingberg I got to buy several things in cherrokee an arrow, a miniature rattle and peace pipe. I got to go though the museum and enjoyed walking through it learning something about a part of myself since I do have that as a part of my heritage. Since then I did finally go camping though with my mother on south mountain, it was good for her to attempt the mountain, I did the trail with quite ease we stopped for her several times up the mountain. Stayed there camping for two nights, I slept in my hammock didn't use my bug net this time and wasn't bothered by insects too much while out there. My mother slept in and carried a tent she could have used a hammock. We caught crawdads for fun while out there but let them go. I had fun camping and I wish I could just do that all the time I would just run out of food. Though I could just eat crawdads.

Therianthropy a part of me I never talk about and something I used to allow so openly to exist now as I live on medications caging a part of me. I still sence things still feel  edgey all the time and it's not going out in the wild the woods that I love that is possibly having me so depressed. I enjoyed living in the woods working the renn fair living free in fresh air. It's a life I miss every time I leave it. I still don't know completely what will curb my spirit but I need to find it. 

I called out of work again, second day in a row I dislike the place so much I dislike being the first one to start helping at working the first to start making food and tonight I was suppose to be a driver, I knew though that's not how it would end up, I would get stuck making pizzas over and over again while Scott takes his smoke breaks. My debate continues if I should quit, I know work stresses me mentally more than anything because I take everyone's feelings in account but I have to ignore it in my mind. I am nearly 29 years old and I work at a dominos again. I shouldn't have gone back, I'm not happy working there, and these are times I wish I had someone to turn to for proper advice.i know a lot of people put up with jobs they don't like, but I haven't even moved up I've been demoted in the company working as I am, working as either a driver getting only 6.55 an hour or 7.25 as an insider. What is there for me to do, I feel trapped working there, I feel trapped in this house now too and sad enough I just want to just stay here and not do anything and that's probably the worse choice I can make. I think about going back to school but every time I try I just give up thinking I'm not smart enough or that my anger will stop me from getting the job or doing the job properly and it's because of how mad I get at work that I don't want to go back. I've told my boss I want to quit, I don't want to be relied upon and every time I say something it doesn't sink in or he just forgets. 

It's been two months? I'm amused when I go back and read these posts to see how much time has gone by and how much my feelings have changed or not, it gives me more of a plan with my own mind. I wonder how long I've been debating quitting dominos since being back p, and with this journal basicly I can look back when I got the job and how long I've been feeling bad having the job, and I know I have for at least two months. How long I go nuts being on one medication to the next. I've been on invega for a few months now and it's been better but work hasn't, and my leg hasn't gotten better either. I've gone through this constant pain for over a month now. Over two months I think I haven't really been recording the pain and I've been taking so many pain killers and shit. It's been harder for me to get pot or other with me not working as much, I had been closing more and just making more money but the more people quit and got fired, it's gotten worse at work, having to stand up more and still me just sitting more and not working out just from the pain in my leg there's nothing visibly wrong it just is a constant pain. They changed my therapist at the behavioral healthcare lace cause the guy I had been seeing quit or was fired, who knows. And my psychiatrist lost his office. He is a part time guy there, it must be nice to only have to listen to other people bitch as a job.

I need to find something else to do with my life, I need to quit dominos, I gain nothing but frustration working there, I'm getting worse and worse managing money,gas prices are going up and I'm still having to deliver which i never wanted to do and I'm having to deal with delivering cause I need the money to even get back and forth to work. And that tears up my basicly new car. I know it's an easy job but it effects me badly, physically standing there holding going to the bathroom like I have to do or just getting as aggravated as I do dealing with the people.

Well this last week sucked since I managed to back into the well house on Monday, so I didn't go to work that day and then I didn't work until Friday. Work was Okay Friday and Saturday, today being Sunday, I hope it goes just as well and I remain in a decent mood. 

I went to the psychiatrist on Thursday Despite feeling filthy having not showered since Monday. and was given new anti depressants again, I've gone through so many now I cant keep up with all of them.this one is called invega, they look like rabbit pellets( the food ).

 I have gotten back into studying more about magick again, yes I used the "k" and I've been writing down in a book some of the things I have  taught people over the years, I may not have said before but I work mainly in energy manipulation, and I have tried teaching people my techniques over the years, sometimes I've been successful. 

I still have not set up a website for my paranormal consultant idea, I know I have had the time. I just do not know what to put on it, what site builder to use. I have written html before but that was years ago, and with html 5 you could do so many more neat things. and I don't a crappy looking website or a page that just scrolls down forever, so many nicer things can be made, I once made a website using frames and no one liked it. I am open to ideas for the new site, what I should use? and I never did for dtpi but should I make a facebook page for it to advertise the service, which would be free anyway. anyway any thoughts or comments. leave below.

My days have stayed petty much the same, I'm not working out as much as I should, and I have been doing other shit I shouldn't while still dealing with the medication stupor I get out in every night now.

I don't do any of the things I used to when I lived in hickory, I don't go play mtg, or hang out with that group, because I never felt like I fit in there or with those guys, I wasn't nerdy enough.  So all I've really been doing is working and sleeping a bit of watching tv and being online.

 I really am at a loss for what to write anymore on any blog, or what my next project should be, if I should try to get my paranormal idea going, by getting a website going for it and seeing if I'll start getting calls from it. I would just set up to use google forwarding or something so that I won't end up with hundreds of business cards with bad phone numbers and websites on it like with dtpi, I hate that I ended dtpi but no one seemed to have an interest to keep it going. In my new idea, I believe I could use just a single camera with several batteries and a voice recorder just got to get the gear back together, and my idea isn't really just to do investigations but help others with what I know, and could help in certain cleansing rituals that I'm aware of how to do. 

It's a new year, my life hasn't really changed I don't believe, since my last post, I'm living with my mother, I didn't work the renn fair this year I'm back working at dominos. I haven't been doing too

well on medications and with my anger issues, I've gotten mad too many times in the last few months where I've hurt my hand badly now crippling me from being able to work out with that arm, hold a pizza peal, or even cut a pizza without pain, part of that pain being from a fall that then made me mad and I punched someone's porch that I tripped on. Currently I'm taking depakote propranolol and seraquill. I was changed to seraquill from citaopram, I took another drug between those two, but I don't remember that it was called. It's all driving me crazy I think it's fucking with me more being on meds than I was before I ever started taking anything.
I spend most of my time out of it watching tv or netflix, I have tried to stay in shape but I'm failing at it since hurting my hand and I can't do pull ups anymore and they were doing a lot to keep up my physical fitness, I guess I just have to wait until it's healed. I have done it before when I have broken my hand, this Time I did however go to the doctor to see if it was broken and with the meds they gave me and the pain I was and am still in, I think( and thought ) it is broken the way it hurts.

I still haven't worked on going back to college yet, I still believe I have time with no one but a dog to take care of. I know of some local colleges where I could get a bachelor in criminal justice, or I could attempt to go back for another associates degree in computer something, I just worry that I would or wouldn't be smart enough to do all of the work. I have a few amateur coding attempts but nothing that I don't believe a normal computer user could do. I really don't know what to do at this point or who to talk to about what I should do, I just know I'm going crazy working at dominos again.